Accepting My Hearing Loss

                There was a time where I could hear the crickets during hot summer nights as a child.  As I grew older, I started to notice I haven’t heard them since and I never noticed. Years went by and everyone around me where starting to say I was very rude. I never understand why people would even say that about me. I never realized, maybe because I couldn’t hear. But yet I chose to ignore the signs.

             There were times where my parents would get so frustrated that I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t hear clearly. I couldn’t hear the house phone, or the door bell ring. I avoided conversations with everyone. I would act like I knew what friends were telling me. I would nod my head yes, or shrug my shoulders and just smile. When I would get caught, it was very embarrassing. I would apologize but these friends would just see me as someone who didn’t care what they had to say.

            My brother, one day forward me an audio message that according to him was the most annoying noise. I kept telling him, the message doesn’t play anything.  At least I thought it wasn’t. He played this message to everyone in the room and everyone yelled at him to shut it off. I still didn’t hear anything.

            I decided to make an appointment with an audiologist. I didn’t want to go, but I figure maybe I just don’t pay attention and I am rude. Being rude is better than deaf, right? I thought hopefully my ears are so filthy dirty and they just need cleaning. So I decided to go.

            The waiting room was filled with many elderly patients. I felt even worse just waiting there. At the time I was only eighteen years old. I have a long life to live still. I can’t live it deaf. I was becoming so angry at everyone. I didn’t want to talk to none of my friends. I avoided conversations with everyone. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what I was going through. I never felt so alone. I just wanted to crawl under my sheets and pretend nothing was wrong with me!

            At a hearing aid office, I sat there with head phones on, patiently waiting for the tones to play. I hardly raised my hand. My shoulders were rounded down facing the floor. I only looked up once. I can tell by the look at the audiologist face that I wasn’t doing well. He told me the eighty-six year old before me has better hearing than I do.

            “Am I going to become deaf?” I asked the audiologist, he suggested that hearing loss is like a disease. Sounds will soon become unrecognizable and I would eventually forget sounds. The sounds would not make any sense. People will talk to me and I would not understand. I broke down in tears but at the same time I felt weight being lifted off my shoulders. I felt as I finally knew I wasn’t this horrible person who ignored everyone who spoke to me.  

            It was hard to accept that I had hearing loss. I was in denial. I did not want anyone to know I couldn’t hear. People would soon treat me different. How could I not hear? My parents aren’t deaf neither are my siblings. I just couldn’t understand why it happened to me. I never stole, or lied. I felt like I was being punished for something I didn’t do. I am innocent; I’m not supposed to be losing my hearing! I was just upset. I felt helpless. My tears filled my eyes and quietly slipped down my cheeks.  

            The audiologist placed the hearing aids on my ears and the first sound I heard was the bottle of water she grabbed off her desk. I jumped up! I couldn’t believe how much better I could hear again.  What a lucky girl I was! I was excited! I was going to have these little weird looking things aide me with my hearing.

            I have learned to ask politely, “Can you please repeat that again? I have trouble listening.”  Mostly everyone is understanding and repeat themselves without me asking them to. I don’t offend others as much as I used to. I do, however, still accidently ignore others. I wish this didn’t happen. It makes me feel like a terrible person. But it’s something I can’t prevent. All I can do is apologize and explain I am hearing impaired.

            My hearing loss has made me see life differently. Despite the fact that I have bad hearing I am a good listener.  I guess my disability isn’t a disability unless I choose to look at it that way.  I can’t say I don’t struggle because I do.  I am very grateful that I don’t have as bad as others. I had a chance to hear the crickets when I was a child.